I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
