Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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