you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
