The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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