Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
