What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
