god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
