Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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