yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
