Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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