weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
