nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
