Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
