dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
