im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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