you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
