Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
