How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just forgot I was standing up.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
