i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
