At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
