I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
