Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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