so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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