I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
