there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
