Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
