Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
