she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
