I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
