dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
