ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
