DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
