There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
