I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
