WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
