There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
