Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
there is glitter all over my balls
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