Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
