I think my fart just growled at me.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
