I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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