the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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