What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
