Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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