i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
