if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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