remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
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