she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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