The maid of honor just puked.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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