We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
