So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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