totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
It's never too late to be topless.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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