yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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