Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
