I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
